If you ever wondered when Riverdale would go full noir, the answer is: Right freakin’ now. From Jughead’s typewriter to Veronica’s hat, this episode was giving all the noir vibes as secret after secret was revealed.
Jughead’s opening voiceover claims that Riverdale used to be a “safe, decent, innocent place,” but if the recent flashbacks have taught us anything, that was never true. But I suppose now more than ever it’s a “town of lost souls.” For once, I’ll let Jug’s overdramatic voiceover go because it works with the noir theme of the hour. (If only the episode had been in black-and-white!)
First lies first, Jug tells FP — who, again, is the new SHERIFF because that’s legal and fine — that he made Tall Boy leave town. Fun fact: Tall Boy’s dead body is under the bed that FP is sitting on for this entire chat. So we can safely say that FP is the worst sheriff ever because that is not a small body, and there’s no way it doesn’t smell. And yet, as terrible as he is as a sheriff, he’s still a pretty great dad when he calls Jughead out on his lie and simply tells him to come up with a new one.
From a good dad to a terrible one, Hal is talking to Betty as she tries to figure out the details of Claudius’ death, as if anyone actually cared about Claudius. Betty is convinced that Penelope has been poisoning people and making it look like suicide for years … but how does she catch her?
With Betty on a case, Jughead gets one of his own: Veronica pays him to find out who shot her father, so naturally, he starts by questioning Hermione. But not only does Hermione have an alibi, she also points the finger at someone else: Hiram’s mistress (played by Kelly Ripa). As she tells Jug, “You do know how volatile blondes can be.” (Is that Riverdale’s version of “blondes have more fun”?)
It doesn’t take long for Betty and Jughead’s cases to collide — sort of. Betty takes a break from her investigation to help Jug track down Hiram’s mistress at the Five Seasons. But instead, what they find is The Maple Club, a brothel that specializes in female domination that’s run by, you guessed it, Penelope. And of course, Penelope has an alibi for Claudius’ death. But it’s not Claudius’ death that Betty’s focused on. She has the coroner pull the autopsy for Clifford, and it seems the man died from pufferfish poisoning long before he hanged himself. (Can you imagine a more embarrassing way to die than PUFFERFISH POISONING?! The least cool fish in the world ended your life, dude. Talk about humiliating.)
When Betty confronts Penelope, she all but admits to her crimes, but she points out that she’s only ever killed bad men. It seems Claudius was running a Fizzle Rocks operation at the maple factory and dumping the runoff into Sweetwater River. That runoff is what was causing seizures (but only in young women?). Furthermore, Penelope knows that Betty handed Chic over to the Hood, so if Betty shares her secret, she’ll return the favor. (Next: Who shot Hiram?)
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